this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
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If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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