??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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