She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
