She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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