I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
