How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
