And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Is Oprah even human
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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