Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Randomize
