Everything about him screamed your future.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
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