i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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