Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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