people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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