if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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