I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
