How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
True strength comes from lack of pants
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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