also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
