party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
