I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
