oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
