Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
