so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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