He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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