I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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