sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Bring me that man meat
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
