I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
