Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
