We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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