I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
