Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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