By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
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The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
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Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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