the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
