At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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