did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
