like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
