At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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