It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
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i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
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Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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