"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
