What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We left the knife in your bed.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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