i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You need Xanax blowdarts
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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