im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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