a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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