im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
