I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
