hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
