I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
