I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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