Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
