Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
