Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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