She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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