hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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