I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake