Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else