she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."