He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present