Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!