My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
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This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"