It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.